Gried is Hard

 

Why is grief so hard?  My sweet pup had her dental surgery; it went well, thanks to God. I praise him because everything went well, but I can't help but think. She is a senior, and unfortunately, she doesn't live forever. Well, not now anyway, in the sinful world we live in.

I love my pup so much, and I can't help but think things, but I am just having a day of release, and I have not cried this deeply since my dog Smokey passed away. I hope my girl will improve and get back to her regular self. 

However, she has healing to do. I can't help but think about it a bit. I need to be prepared, but it found me today, and I am sensitive and in a basket of tears. I know it's not good for me to stay this way for her, so I am resorting to blogging to help me through my emotions about my sweet, sweet girl.

I say my but I know she belongs to God. I don't own anything; it's all God's. He created me, he created her, and he is the author of the story. I am very grateful he gave me her to steward after. It's a pleasure to look after and tend to God's critters. But at the same time in this world where we are born, and we die its hard. You start life with joy and you end it in tears. I know it's the in-between that matters, but still it can be hard.

Grief is hard, and there is all kinds of grief for all kinds of things its not just loss of an animal or person, it can be life, a job, a phase in life, etc. Grief is often painful, but it doesn't mean it is an easy process to follow. I just ask for strength from my creator because these things are hard. But I am going to think positively and hopefully will have many more years with my girl, but I must be prepared.

I know there is so much love out there. I am not someone that will harden myself to another animal. Its all worth it but at the same time the loss will be equally painful. Its kinda the price we pay in this world for love.

But after I post this I will dry my tears and think positively. God help her in her healing journey because she had to have many teeth removed because of periodontal disease.

I love her so much, though; she has been my sunshine. Its hard to age. I know its a gift too because many don't get to but still its not all sunshine and rainbows. There can be parts that are so deeply painful.

Why?

 

Part of why I have this blog is for me a safe space to get out my thoughts without people judging me. I am so tired of being judged and I am so tired of being made to feel I am the bad guy and wrong.

My mental health struggles seem to just increase due to people. I don't understand why people have to argue or make a counter comment on everything and no matter where I do it happens.

First, I comment as I have had for 40 years mental health struggles. I have invested in therapy, taking psychology and reading up on the matter. I believe the more information I have, the better I can treat it. God may or may not choose to cure me, and that's up to him; he knows what's best.

I have been struggling because any time I post my thoughts I get attacked. I feel like I don't matter; my opinions don't matter. I already struggle with depression and this just adds another layer.

Speaking for cows, chickens and pigs during my animal activism day gave me significance and something  I do not feel anymore. Part of me stopped because it was so hard; there was nothing I could do to stop those pigs or cows from being slaughtered. It added another layer to my depression. And also if when I speak people attack me, my thoughts, my insights how can I even remotely speak for the cows or pigs.

Wife in the Waiting IDK

 

I have been feeling the need to write this for a long time and been hesitating but I need to get it out. I don't want it to sound like I am complaining but its just how I am feeling.

Back in April I came across an IG that a lady helps other women prepare for a husband. I have been trying to do that but I am struggling. 

Guys do not generally talk to me. I also have a past of chasing men that could care less I existed. I find with Men, you have to let them do the pursuing. When I have done it just left me in frustrating and depression.

I just been unlucky in life and now at my age I even wonder whats the point. I even stopped reading the book that the lady put together called wife in the waiting to help women prepare and pray for their spouse..

However I feel whats the point? People say how you feel won't last forever and I have felt this way since a little girl. Even while working on my mindset and people constantly saying you'll find someone when I even have never been asked out.

I feel like I repell men. They see me and go the other way. I am just beyond discouraged. And these feelings continue day after day.

I truly believe not everyone has someone out there for them but I would of liked to have had the experience. Becasue I only have one shot at love.

How can I prepare for something I can't see or feel?  I don't even know. Its just so discouraging seeing so many people marry, have babies, etc and here I am not even able to get one man to like me.

I have grown frustrated and I feel like the most I can get to experience is to live vicariously through the movies I see.

But I also think that's part of the problem men don't go after women. And they don't do those things that they do in the movie. In a utopia world but romance is dead. And guys don't do those things now a days.

I am really not trying to complain but I am feel so down and so aweful about this.

I worry about my future. I don't have friends, or people I talk with are much older then me and they won't be here forever. Even my mom is aging and no idea how much longer I have with her. I am just so discouraged.

I just have come to the conclusion that I am damage goods and no one wants me. I had hoped so much I would be at least in a relationship at this point in my life but nope. So pray for me to accept I will never marry. Pray for me to accept and be okay with my reality. Theres no point in hoping or dreaming any more. When I like someone they reject me and I am getting tired of waiting for someone to like me.

Breeder or Rescue

 

This post is not for me to say I have all the answers, but I don't. Please note I have a history, so I know what I am talking about.

I got into a heated argument online with someone about rescue dogs. She was advocating that going to a breader is better then adopting claiming that shelter dogs are traumatized. So while that is true there are that is not the case for all.

She also advocated that its easier to train a new life then an old one and from experience that is not true.

My first dog was a collie mix, he had traumas yes but he was the best dogs.My thing is no matter if you get a dog from a rescue or from a breeder they need training. Also when you look at shelters there are plenty dogs that are purebreds So then what? 

As someone that has been exposed to the rescue shelter world since 2012 and since 2022 I volunteer at local shelter I have lots of experience. 

My pup she was a street dog and she is super intellegent. My issue too and the post was talking about how we are breeding dogs while other die. I don't think thats fair. Its like saying  this person has no life so lets kill them to make room for others that do.

Random things

 

The hard part I have doing workshops, and various events its for people for little to having no exposure to certain topics. So the workshops are really basic.

I signed up for a workshop at church, and I feel I am getting very little from it. I was hoping to see how it would help me with the workshop's topic, which is resting in God. I was hoping it would help me to be more okay with the silence of the Sabbath. They are not doing anything but staring at the walls.

This is something I struggle hard with; my denomination is not doing anything from sundown to sundown. Not going online is so hard. I have no one to talk too so even that does not happen. Even at church I talk the most when I arrive and after that other people get in conversation with one another and I feel like an idiot just standing and waiting. I am not someone to interrupt conversations. I wait to be acknowledged if that even happens.

Its such a hard feeling to have when you are socially awkward. I have gotten to the point where I just sit at church while people leave. I spend time looking at my phone to pass the time, and then when 15 min pass, I leave. It's just so hard being socially awkward. I don't know what to say. Now when its online I am more likely to be different because my brain works differently. Also, I can think what I want to say when I am responding, and if it takes an hour, it takes an hour. Trying to do that while talking doesn't work. I have never been quick on my feet.

Discouraged

 

I have been feeling very discouraged lately. I always hear to be yourself, but being myself has lost so many people. I have grown tired of this world.

There is a reason I have basically little to no relationships is because people judge you. I understand people are human, they are going to have dark moments, but I have learned that humanity is that people only have your back when things are going well. When things go wrong, people abandon ship.

I was diagnosed a ways back people avoidant personality and the only reason I have that is because of the pain. I am so tired of the pain others inflict. So I am much more guarded around people. I can be friendly but it usually does not go beyond that because of the pain I have had to deal with.

Social media has become a horrible place. People friend then unfriend, and it drives me batty. People are no longer there. And people only want to be friends with people that only show positivity.  Its like that saying everyone wants to enjoy the feast but very little want to do the work.

I guess I just need to accept I am not going to have friends. People will eventually abandon me. I guess this is why I prefer animals because their love is consistent. When you are feeling down they stick by your side or try and cheer you up.

I decided I am only going to post here from now on since very few are even remotely interested in me. Social media has become a place to collect people.

You know, as time goes by, instead of gaining more confidence, I feel like I am going down instead of up. I am slowly being buried alive. I am not sure what I did so wrong in my life to have to deal with this and get this in my life. So I will just be the person who remains quiet and only lets the animals get to see my truest self. Since they are the only ones who can accept me for who I am.

I am just tired of pain, I am just tired of trying. No one understands me and clearly I am tired of trying to explain myself.

A shorter post but I needed to get this out. This will be my new home. 

Breakthrough!

I will be starting this soon. I am going to wait for June 1st. I am trying so hard to reestablish a relationship with our Heavenly Father. I really am.

But I am so broken, and this is going to be a brutally honest truth about me that I did not see myself voicing, but part of my journey, I believe, is to share my experience so they can be a guide for someone else.

As a child, I felt things so deeply. Like the pain I remember feeling as a child was something that of an adult. Like it was so deep. Not going into other specifics, but I have things.

Part of my strategy was that I did not open up to my parents, and the hurt I felt with other people, I had to create a numbness and a wall. So I did not feel pain.

I think later on in life, I started to reject people or keep people at arm's length because that felt safer. Sadly, even though now in my 40s, I realize there are other ways to deal with it, I did this out of practise because it's much safer than dealing with pain after.

I also recently learned I have a fear of abandonment. And this translates even towards God.

I have had instances in my life when I felt abandoned. The first boy I liked and felt connected to moved out of the country back to his home country. That was the first, deepest pain I felt, and where my sadness began. I am not going to tell my whole story not today, but I wanted to share that I have felt abandoned by people I connected with, the church, so-called friends, and ultimately, it made me believe that God would abandon me too.

I know His word says differently, but at the time, I did not want to read his word. I was very sensitive, and I found stuff in the word scary. Only some 30+ years later could I even read the word.

I ultimately left church in my college years because I was tired of hypocrisy. I was tired of feeling less than, and I ultimately felt that God was displeased with me and that he did not love me. Also was tired of hearing Gossip.

In 2017 after following Doreen Virtue, I had a mental health crisis that led me back to God and ultimately Jesus. Cause truth is I never stopped believing in him, I just believed there were other ways to him. In 2018 I read the Bible from cover to cover and reallly I think in a way not that I was reading for a reward, I read of curiosity and to really know what was in his books things started to happen in my life.

Learning to be held by the Father is still something I need help with. But you see my past has impacted not only my relationship with Him but others as well.

Being little and growing, when deep things happen and you do not have an outlet and you deal with how you can you do this the rest of your life. ITs so hard to break because this is how you've dealt with it. The only hope I have of breaking and starting to build those new neural pathways is through Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Not only is there a fear of abandonment, the wall I have had to build, I also have had to remain hidden. There is a part of me that longs to be seen but I am also afraid of it because of my fear of abandonment and I believe this is why when I share things and I lose people its upsets me. Its not because of the people itself I think, especially those in the internet that I barely even know but there is this fear of abandonment. I think this is also why I connect so deeply with dogs and feel so deeply when I see dogs being abandoned, because I can relate in some way or another to it.

Truth no one has taken me to the woods left me there and I had to fend for myself but fear of abandonment can be in various ways.

So yeah, when you believe and have felt like others abandoned you, it makes it hard sometimes to even feel or see differently that the Creator of the universe will never abandon you. Even though he says in his word that he won't/

People think I am shy. I am not shy. Yes I get anxious in a huge crowd. I am too energy sensitive and it really exhausts me. I am not shy though. But past experiences have led me to believe that I am to remain hidden. There is so much more I am not saying. But people do not understand. I do my best to express myself through writing because there is no time limit. This all would take me an hour or longer to explain. But through writing I can do it easier.

The written word has been what is healing me. I am not a verbal person, part is because I needed to suppress who I was, part because of fear of abandonment, part because of past experiences. I went through a lot as a child. And there is so much healing that only God can fully do for little Nikki.

I am slowly working on it, I am taking those steps and know that the steps I take God will work one way or another in the unseen to the seen.

There is a lot of fear, unfortunately I struggle with that. But I am slowly trying to heal, address, and be more aware of things.

Situation Struggle

 

I have an issue that has been heavy on my heart, and I do not know what to do.

I have been going to God with it but it doesn't seem to get any lighter. I am doing my best not to control the situation but just release full control to God where it belongs to begin with but its hard.

I am feeling incredibly discouraged, and no matter how much I go to God, no matter how much I read his word, it just feels like it won't dissipate. 

What do you do? Yes, I remember Ecclesiastes 7:8, and I still feel it is applicable to my situation, but I am still struggling. I honestly do not know what to do. I also feel I can't talk to anyone about this because I feel I give enough energy to it with what I have given to God and what we focus on is what expands.

I am honestly feeling so forgotten by the Lord. That he is not hearing me. I also do not understand why he would allow something to happen to just take it away. It would have been better for it not to happen at all. I am just overrun with disappointment, and I am tired. I am tired of waiting, I am tired of things not happening, and I am tired of things happening to just be taken away.

I just feel incredibly discouraged and already cried a bit this morning.

I am trying my best to think positively, but even so, it has not been easy. I am practicing affirmations and trying to incorporate positive thoughts, but I am struggling. My heart is heavy and do not know what to do. 

Am I an awful person? Did I do something that God has placed me last on his list? Or maybe he has just forgotten about me. I feel unseen, not valued and dismissed.  Like I said to my therapist, I feel I have a voice but don't have a voice. Gosh, this is hard. I wish I had hope and been praying for a Miracle with this for such a long time.

I am trying so hard for this to not be a negative place but I am struggling right now.

Journaling

 

While I have this blog and will continue to use it I am looking to start journaling things. Important ahas or any moment of revelation, I may start to blog a post about it. 

I want my blog to be a place of encouragement and wisdom. I want it to be a positive place and not just negative things. I want those posts to be a bare minimum. 

This blog will continue and will continue to share what I am learning, and positive things but I want to have a place too with that kind of information and a place for me to write my thoughts. I tend to use my blog more because I can type longer than I can write.

I need to start searching for journal prompts, but also when I post some revelation, I summarize it and then write the takeaway down in a journal. I need a place that I can refer to that has positive things, so when I am down, I can read and be like, " Wow, that's such a good takeaway. 

I might do some memes that I really like too, or thoughts. I need to help myself during dark moments.

I will still keep my prayer journal, which is not going anywhere, but I need places where I can use my voice. 

It has been so hard because I have felt most of my life like my voice didn't matter. I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to have gone your life this way. I have felt the majority of my life this way. I think this is where writing was born with me. It gave me the opportunity to share my thoughts, and mostly because no one sees it, I can't be made to feel lesser or like I did not matter.

I am looking forward to what will come out. I already wrote part of this post yesterday, and since then, I have 3 pages of memes I saw recently that I want to keep down as a reminder. Can I save it all in folder yes but there is power in writing it down.

I have a plan I bought some gel pens in different colors and I will be categorizing them colors and what the mean. So purple for example is for memes I find and like the though. Etc. So when I go through my journal I can locate things easier. 

I may start to write more here too because I like to, but it's going to depend on what's going on too. But hoping to keep this blog more active with content. Not sure if anyone even follows, but if you do, I will be adding more. I guess this blog is more for me than anyone else.

RWA- Radiant Woman Academy

So I am taking two courses right now.

RLA (Radiant Leadership Academy) & RWA (Radiant Woman Academy)

I have not posted much on RWA, but a lot of it has been about stewarding the home. However, this has been the biggest takeaway for the past 5 weeks we have done so far]

• When we treat caring for our home as a holy act of worship, it changes the way we feel about it, and it opens the door for the miraculous to take place.

I never thought of cleaning and tidying as a form of worship. Until now, for me, cleaning is just a chore, something we must do as part of living, and especially in the way we have homes today.

So the biggest takeaway that wasn't said in the lessons but that I got was that cleaning, tidying, sorting, and taking care of our home is a form of worship.

I, for far too long, put off doing housework, not because I feel I can't or am not able to. I just felt that my effort and my best were not good enough. It's more of a self-confidence issue than anything else. So I am looking to declutter. Get rid of things I haven't worn in a long time, etc.

But this course is changing things and how I see things. I will be doing a blog post later but needed to post this now.

Kingdom Alliance is changing my world for the better.

This company has done so much for me, and I've grown so much in my years here than in anything else.

However, it has been challenging doing life alone and not having people to support or encourage you. I post my takeaways each week and most people don't. I also feel like when I post, people ignore. So this is my little spot to post and share my thoughts in a much more safe manner.

I have been doing RLA and RWA on replay but today I will be able to make it live for RWA and am looking forward to it. There is pluses and minuses to doing classes on live vs replay and vice versa. When I am on live I have more chances to connect with others who are taking the course too. But on replay I can rewind 10seconds to get the thought correctly down. So like I said flipside to everything

Some thoughts.

 

Can I give a perspective? Advice is so biased most of the time. I give advice based on my experience and most people do too.

Something I am learning is we need to go to God with things and not necessarily other people. Not because we do not need other people, but because only God knows our situation and only he can advise.

When I read Ecclesiastes 7:8 yesterday, I instantly felt like it's in a certain situation. I might read it 3 years from now and get something different, and you know what both are valid.

God speaks to us, and he guides us, and he impresses things upon our heart, if we allow him to.

I think in the coming months, I am going to lean more on God for things. Been doing a lot of that already but even more because I know I have room for improvement.

I am not saying advice is bad. It's not just that most people give advice based on their experiences rather than on our unique situations. God, though, knows everything from start to finish. He knows when you enter the world and when you leave, and nothing surprises him because he has written your story.

I think too often we feel the pressures from the enemy that we need to be perfect or that we can take God by surprise but believe me I believe he is there even in the icky parts. I think its part of your story.

So instead of beating yourself up for the bad that has happened, that is just part of the human experience, and God knows what will happen, even the bad.

Maybe in part this is why we are told to rejoice always, even amongst conflict and strife, and maybe this is why we are also told that no matter the circumstances, this is the will of God in your life. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

I am not saying God desires us to be sick, or hurt, or injured but I do believe he has a plan even though those things he knew would come to pass.

I just think my prayers to see this situation I have with God's eyes is slowly starting to happen but I ask you God again help me to see this situation with your eyes.

PCOS update

 I thought I would make an update on living with PCOS. There is no cure, only management.

I have had some positive things happen; I am not losing hair at the same rate I was. I drink Spearmint daily and think its making a difference.  I am looking to get a tea specifically for PCOS that I have found that has a lot of things I drink anyway, but all in one tea.

I also found that when I started taking inositol, it also started to help. Although that's good, and while I am still taking it, metformin does nothing, and I want to go on berberine so badly. I do better with natural remedies versus manufactured stuff that just keeps you sick.

Like my anxiety meds, I wish I could be off them. Because I know its just a mask not a treatment.But I keep taking it because I am at least functional. I tried different things in the past, like valerian, and it did not do a thing for me. So not all natural stuff works, but it mostly does.

Love

 

I keep going back and forth whether to write this or not and well I need to get it out of my system it has been super hard lately.

I don't know why but I think the enemy wants me to be discouraged and give up wanting to be a wife because he sends people to sour the whole topic and pulls me in discouragement. I am very aware that happy endings are rare but why can't I hope in God that I might be one of the blessed ones to have that.

This is a topic I would rather talk to fellow movie fans about because they understand far more than other people do. I have not had examples of healthy love all my life. I have seen abuse, mostly verbal abuse. I have seen so many people complain and be biased on love and relationships and not in a good way.

In all the learning I am doing in one of the classes, they say that women are meant to be helpers and helpmates to men. We aren't meant to do it alone, and I also crave relationships so deeply.  No one seems to understand.

People seem to idolize singleness, and I think this is part of the enemy's plan to keep us stuck, depressed and discouraged. I get it not every relationship is a healthy one or necessarily good but its been hard when this is something you have wanted since you were 5 years old.

Women were created to be a helpmate to men; we need them for the connection, and they need us to help them.

It's hard because I have been so desperate for the connection, and I feel like when I do connect with someone, they leave. Trying to leave it all in God's hands, but doesn't mean it is easy. I also find it's harder to do things with a friend than with a significant other. I feel like friends often need permission from their family to venture out, whereas with a spouse or significant other, you build your life together. 

Not at all discounting friends, we need them too, but it gets lonely at times. I don't know how many outings I have done with people in the past, even family/friends, and felt so alone. It's hard when you don't get to share. I am terrible at interrupting or joining a conversation. Its why I prefer text and chatting online as its at a pace and way I like. I write something, then they write something, and we hear each other. Most of the time, it's one person who does all the talking. Written, both people have the chance, but it can still be onside, it really depends on the other person.

I long for the connection, I want someone I can do stuff with, someone I can share life with. I have my pup which I LOVE DEARLY. But it would be nice to have another human.

I don't know if it will happen for me. I long for it. I long for connection, and seems when I find it, it vanishes. It has not been easy but I will keep hoping. I won't let go of my hope. Even if others are badmouthing love, etc. People need to be more careful with their words. Just cause it did not work out for you. Doesn't mean for others it won't. God is in control.