Breakthrough!

I will be starting this soon. I am going to wait for June 1st. I am trying so hard to reestablish a relationship with our Heavenly Father. I really am.

But I am so broken, and this is going to be a brutally honest truth about me that I did not see myself voicing, but part of my journey, I believe, is to share my experience so they can be a guide for someone else.

As a child, I felt things so deeply. Like the pain I remember feeling as a child was something that of an adult. Like it was so deep. Not going into other specifics, but I have things.

Part of my strategy was that I did not open up to my parents, and the hurt I felt with other people, I had to create a numbness and a wall. So I did not feel pain.

I think later on in life, I started to reject people or keep people at arm's length because that felt safer. Sadly, even though now in my 40s, I realize there are other ways to deal with it, I did this out of practise because it's much safer than dealing with pain after.

I also recently learned I have a fear of abandonment. And this translates even towards God.

I have had instances in my life when I felt abandoned. The first boy I liked and felt connected to moved out of the country back to his home country. That was the first, deepest pain I felt, and where my sadness began. I am not going to tell my whole story not today, but I wanted to share that I have felt abandoned by people I connected with, the church, so-called friends, and ultimately, it made me believe that God would abandon me too.

I know His word says differently, but at the time, I did not want to read his word. I was very sensitive, and I found stuff in the word scary. Only some 30+ years later could I even read the word.

I ultimately left church in my college years because I was tired of hypocrisy. I was tired of feeling less than, and I ultimately felt that God was displeased with me and that he did not love me. Also was tired of hearing Gossip.

In 2017 after following Doreen Virtue, I had a mental health crisis that led me back to God and ultimately Jesus. Cause truth is I never stopped believing in him, I just believed there were other ways to him. In 2018 I read the Bible from cover to cover and reallly I think in a way not that I was reading for a reward, I read of curiosity and to really know what was in his books things started to happen in my life.

Learning to be held by the Father is still something I need help with. But you see my past has impacted not only my relationship with Him but others as well.

Being little and growing, when deep things happen and you do not have an outlet and you deal with how you can you do this the rest of your life. ITs so hard to break because this is how you've dealt with it. The only hope I have of breaking and starting to build those new neural pathways is through Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Not only is there a fear of abandonment, the wall I have had to build, I also have had to remain hidden. There is a part of me that longs to be seen but I am also afraid of it because of my fear of abandonment and I believe this is why when I share things and I lose people its upsets me. Its not because of the people itself I think, especially those in the internet that I barely even know but there is this fear of abandonment. I think this is also why I connect so deeply with dogs and feel so deeply when I see dogs being abandoned, because I can relate in some way or another to it.

Truth no one has taken me to the woods left me there and I had to fend for myself but fear of abandonment can be in various ways.

So yeah, when you believe and have felt like others abandoned you, it makes it hard sometimes to even feel or see differently that the Creator of the universe will never abandon you. Even though he says in his word that he won't/

People think I am shy. I am not shy. Yes I get anxious in a huge crowd. I am too energy sensitive and it really exhausts me. I am not shy though. But past experiences have led me to believe that I am to remain hidden. There is so much more I am not saying. But people do not understand. I do my best to express myself through writing because there is no time limit. This all would take me an hour or longer to explain. But through writing I can do it easier.

The written word has been what is healing me. I am not a verbal person, part is because I needed to suppress who I was, part because of fear of abandonment, part because of past experiences. I went through a lot as a child. And there is so much healing that only God can fully do for little Nikki.

I am slowly working on it, I am taking those steps and know that the steps I take God will work one way or another in the unseen to the seen.

There is a lot of fear, unfortunately I struggle with that. But I am slowly trying to heal, address, and be more aware of things.

Situation Struggle

 

I have an issue that has been heavy on my heart, and I do not know what to do.

I have been going to God with it but it doesn't seem to get any lighter. I am doing my best not to control the situation but just release full control to God where it belongs to begin with but its hard.

I am feeling incredibly discouraged, and no matter how much I go to God, no matter how much I read his word, it just feels like it won't dissipate. 

What do you do? Yes, I remember Ecclesiastes 7:8, and I still feel it is applicable to my situation, but I am still struggling. I honestly do not know what to do. I also feel I can't talk to anyone about this because I feel I give enough energy to it with what I have given to God and what we focus on is what expands.

I am honestly feeling so forgotten by the Lord. That he is not hearing me. I also do not understand why he would allow something to happen to just take it away. It would have been better for it not to happen at all. I am just overrun with disappointment, and I am tired. I am tired of waiting, I am tired of things not happening, and I am tired of things happening to just be taken away.

I just feel incredibly discouraged and already cried a bit this morning.

I am trying my best to think positively, but even so, it has not been easy. I am practicing affirmations and trying to incorporate positive thoughts, but I am struggling. My heart is heavy and do not know what to do. 

Am I an awful person? Did I do something that God has placed me last on his list? Or maybe he has just forgotten about me. I feel unseen, not valued and dismissed.  Like I said to my therapist, I feel I have a voice but don't have a voice. Gosh, this is hard. I wish I had hope and been praying for a Miracle with this for such a long time.

I am trying so hard for this to not be a negative place but I am struggling right now.

Journaling

 

While I have this blog and will continue to use it I am looking to start journaling things. Important ahas or any moment of revelation, I may start to blog a post about it. 

I want my blog to be a place of encouragement and wisdom. I want it to be a positive place and not just negative things. I want those posts to be a bare minimum. 

This blog will continue and will continue to share what I am learning, and positive things but I want to have a place too with that kind of information and a place for me to write my thoughts. I tend to use my blog more because I can type longer than I can write.

I need to start searching for journal prompts, but also when I post some revelation, I summarize it and then write the takeaway down in a journal. I need a place that I can refer to that has positive things, so when I am down, I can read and be like, " Wow, that's such a good takeaway. 

I might do some memes that I really like too, or thoughts. I need to help myself during dark moments.

I will still keep my prayer journal, which is not going anywhere, but I need places where I can use my voice. 

It has been so hard because I have felt most of my life like my voice didn't matter. I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to have gone your life this way. I have felt the majority of my life this way. I think this is where writing was born with me. It gave me the opportunity to share my thoughts, and mostly because no one sees it, I can't be made to feel lesser or like I did not matter.

I am looking forward to what will come out. I already wrote part of this post yesterday, and since then, I have 3 pages of memes I saw recently that I want to keep down as a reminder. Can I save it all in folder yes but there is power in writing it down.

I have a plan I bought some gel pens in different colors and I will be categorizing them colors and what the mean. So purple for example is for memes I find and like the though. Etc. So when I go through my journal I can locate things easier. 

I may start to write more here too because I like to, but it's going to depend on what's going on too. But hoping to keep this blog more active with content. Not sure if anyone even follows, but if you do, I will be adding more. I guess this blog is more for me than anyone else.

RWA- Radiant Woman Academy

So I am taking two courses right now.

RLA (Radiant Leadership Academy) & RWA (Radiant Woman Academy)

I have not posted much on RWA, but a lot of it has been about stewarding the home. However, this has been the biggest takeaway for the past 5 weeks we have done so far]

• When we treat caring for our home as a holy act of worship, it changes the way we feel about it, and it opens the door for the miraculous to take place.

I never thought of cleaning and tidying as a form of worship. Until now, for me, cleaning is just a chore, something we must do as part of living, and especially in the way we have homes today.

So the biggest takeaway that wasn't said in the lessons but that I got was that cleaning, tidying, sorting, and taking care of our home is a form of worship.

I, for far too long, put off doing housework, not because I feel I can't or am not able to. I just felt that my effort and my best were not good enough. It's more of a self-confidence issue than anything else. So I am looking to declutter. Get rid of things I haven't worn in a long time, etc.

But this course is changing things and how I see things. I will be doing a blog post later but needed to post this now.

Kingdom Alliance is changing my world for the better.

This company has done so much for me, and I've grown so much in my years here than in anything else.

However, it has been challenging doing life alone and not having people to support or encourage you. I post my takeaways each week and most people don't. I also feel like when I post, people ignore. So this is my little spot to post and share my thoughts in a much more safe manner.

I have been doing RLA and RWA on replay but today I will be able to make it live for RWA and am looking forward to it. There is pluses and minuses to doing classes on live vs replay and vice versa. When I am on live I have more chances to connect with others who are taking the course too. But on replay I can rewind 10seconds to get the thought correctly down. So like I said flipside to everything

Some thoughts.

 

Can I give a perspective? Advice is so biased most of the time. I give advice based on my experience and most people do too.

Something I am learning is we need to go to God with things and not necessarily other people. Not because we do not need other people, but because only God knows our situation and only he can advise.

When I read Ecclesiastes 7:8 yesterday, I instantly felt like it's in a certain situation. I might read it 3 years from now and get something different, and you know what both are valid.

God speaks to us, and he guides us, and he impresses things upon our heart, if we allow him to.

I think in the coming months, I am going to lean more on God for things. Been doing a lot of that already but even more because I know I have room for improvement.

I am not saying advice is bad. It's not just that most people give advice based on their experiences rather than on our unique situations. God, though, knows everything from start to finish. He knows when you enter the world and when you leave, and nothing surprises him because he has written your story.

I think too often we feel the pressures from the enemy that we need to be perfect or that we can take God by surprise but believe me I believe he is there even in the icky parts. I think its part of your story.

So instead of beating yourself up for the bad that has happened, that is just part of the human experience, and God knows what will happen, even the bad.

Maybe in part this is why we are told to rejoice always, even amongst conflict and strife, and maybe this is why we are also told that no matter the circumstances, this is the will of God in your life. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

I am not saying God desires us to be sick, or hurt, or injured but I do believe he has a plan even though those things he knew would come to pass.

I just think my prayers to see this situation I have with God's eyes is slowly starting to happen but I ask you God again help me to see this situation with your eyes.

PCOS update

 I thought I would make an update on living with PCOS. There is no cure, only management.

I have had some positive things happen; I am not losing hair at the same rate I was. I drink Spearmint daily and think its making a difference.  I am looking to get a tea specifically for PCOS that I have found that has a lot of things I drink anyway, but all in one tea.

I also found that when I started taking inositol, it also started to help. Although that's good, and while I am still taking it, metformin does nothing, and I want to go on berberine so badly. I do better with natural remedies versus manufactured stuff that just keeps you sick.

Like my anxiety meds, I wish I could be off them. Because I know its just a mask not a treatment.But I keep taking it because I am at least functional. I tried different things in the past, like valerian, and it did not do a thing for me. So not all natural stuff works, but it mostly does.

Love

 

I keep going back and forth whether to write this or not and well I need to get it out of my system it has been super hard lately.

I don't know why but I think the enemy wants me to be discouraged and give up wanting to be a wife because he sends people to sour the whole topic and pulls me in discouragement. I am very aware that happy endings are rare but why can't I hope in God that I might be one of the blessed ones to have that.

This is a topic I would rather talk to fellow movie fans about because they understand far more than other people do. I have not had examples of healthy love all my life. I have seen abuse, mostly verbal abuse. I have seen so many people complain and be biased on love and relationships and not in a good way.

In all the learning I am doing in one of the classes, they say that women are meant to be helpers and helpmates to men. We aren't meant to do it alone, and I also crave relationships so deeply.  No one seems to understand.

People seem to idolize singleness, and I think this is part of the enemy's plan to keep us stuck, depressed and discouraged. I get it not every relationship is a healthy one or necessarily good but its been hard when this is something you have wanted since you were 5 years old.

Women were created to be a helpmate to men; we need them for the connection, and they need us to help them.

It's hard because I have been so desperate for the connection, and I feel like when I do connect with someone, they leave. Trying to leave it all in God's hands, but doesn't mean it is easy. I also find it's harder to do things with a friend than with a significant other. I feel like friends often need permission from their family to venture out, whereas with a spouse or significant other, you build your life together. 

Not at all discounting friends, we need them too, but it gets lonely at times. I don't know how many outings I have done with people in the past, even family/friends, and felt so alone. It's hard when you don't get to share. I am terrible at interrupting or joining a conversation. Its why I prefer text and chatting online as its at a pace and way I like. I write something, then they write something, and we hear each other. Most of the time, it's one person who does all the talking. Written, both people have the chance, but it can still be onside, it really depends on the other person.

I long for the connection, I want someone I can do stuff with, someone I can share life with. I have my pup which I LOVE DEARLY. But it would be nice to have another human.

I don't know if it will happen for me. I long for it. I long for connection, and seems when I find it, it vanishes. It has not been easy but I will keep hoping. I won't let go of my hope. Even if others are badmouthing love, etc. People need to be more careful with their words. Just cause it did not work out for you. Doesn't mean for others it won't. God is in control.

Radiant Woman Academy

So I started taking a new course with my company. It's called RWA, better known as Radiant Woman Academy. This is pouring life into me as a woman. For so long, I have felt less than most women because I am not a mother or a wife. It has been a double-edged sword because it is something I have longed for since I was like 8 years old, and in reality, those things never came into fruition.

As I was watching the previous week's course yesterday, she started to validate something I have been feeling. I have been longing so deeply for connection. It has been hard. Here is what I posted in my takeaway for this week.

So the part about singlesness really spoke to me, and it's been hitting hard lately. I am dying for connection; it has been super lonely and isolating because people my age are busy as a family and have been longing so much for someone to connect with on a deeper level. So that kinda was part of a takeaway, even though the call was not about that. I have just been feeling so down and disconnected, and it feels like people I connect with leave and I never see them again, and it has been super hard on me. Doing life alone is not easy. And you made me feel better saying that its natural for as women to long for those connections.

When our founder and the person who wrote the course said this, I felt validated. I just feel like so much is tying in with one another. It has not been easy for me, but on the course.

Right now, we are on the pillar that talks about the home. And also some of the takeaways from previous weeks spoke to me. I will post three takeaways from each week so far.

Mental Health

 

This past month, it's been hard; my mental health is struggling. Its really hard when you don't have friends or people in your life. Sure, I interact with people at church, but not with one person on a daily basis.

God gave me the word Abundance at the end of last year for this year, but now I am wondering how it is even going to be an abundant year? February was extraordinarily good, but this month I have a challenge, and my mental health has been struggling.

Those who read my chapter know that I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. When people say you can be set free, it's hard to imagine or even try to embody that because depression or anxiety have always been present. I don't know how to be in that state. So yes, because of meds, I have little anxiety now. But then depression creeps in. Today and this weekend have been one of those days.

It's hard when you have these deep longings, but nothing seems to come into fruition. I am sure my health is poor, not because of what I eat, but emotionally and spiritually, so much is lacking. It's not just about what you eat, drink, watch or listen to, there is another component that has been running on empty for quite a while. Its hard to bless people with the overflow when you are empty.

So at church this weekend, I could not remember this site's exact URL, so I just picked a verse, and this verse came to mind, and I think it's very fitting. James 1:2 Have I read it before YES, but I did not retain the chapter, the verse, etc. I did not have it memorized, and look what God is doing here. Here is the verse 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds.

 Lots of inner struggles are happening, and I think this is something God wants me to know. Why else would this verse come to mind? Funny how God works. I have many unspoken prayer things, even my therapist doesn’t know. And while I didn't exactly mention what's going on in a group, I have left out so much. I am really struggling to feel connection and most weeks I don’t talk to people. I am struggling with isolation, disconnection and a bit of loneliness. Maybe this is why God highlighted this verse to my mind. I did not remember that this was the verse. This cross is very heavy, and it doesn’t get any lighter.

Its hard doing life alone, I dunno maybe God wants me to be lonely? Maybe he wants me to only want him and no one else? Maybe he wants me to feel depressed and anxious, maybe he wants me this way. It has not been an easy month and been so very much discouraged. I am not sure what to do. 

I don't want this blog to be one of down and negativity, but I can't smile and pretend everything is okay when it is not. Its hard to even discuss all my inner struggles with even my therapist which I did to a certain point but left out crucial parts. I don't think anyone would understand. And I am afraid that if I do share it, I will get advice to just discourage me even further, so I play it safe. Because I'd rather carry it then get a heavier load.

There is this deep sadness, and this deep problem but it could also be a factor of my PCOS. So hard to know exactly what it is. If its the PCOS or if its just the usual mental health struggles.

If you read till here I thank you. This is my outlet, I love to write. I feel it helps me and with not many people that venture here or read my blogs it makes it easier to write it out and get things out. Cause then I do not fear am going to lose people because people do not know whats going on. 

Hawks and Godwinks

(Hawk from and that is native to the Galapagos. Not from this past week) 

 

I want to share a story with you and something that happened to me.

Earlier during the week, I posted a note saying I wanted a Godwink from God.

Godwink, I first heard of it when I watched a Christmas movie called A Godwink Christmas.

Well, on Wednesday, on my way to eat lunch with 4 other people from my church, including my mom, I saw a Hawk on our way, which was an hour away.

After lunch, when we got back to my city, I saw another one. Okay, so that's not just the end of the story.

I decided to look up the Christian meaning of "Hawks". While the overall description was good, when I looked at it, I saw that Hawks are literally known as Godwinks. So not only did I get one wink, I got two.

I find it so funny how God literally did this. Hawks mean so many things symbolically, but I know I need to dive deeper to see what God is trying to show me or tell me. But I think I got the hawks for 2 reasons.

One thing I have been missing is my animal friends. I don't see much wildlife where I live, mostly squirrels, robins, crows, and the occasional rabbit, so I think he used his Hawks for one reason. The other was that I wanted a Godwink, and God literally gave me that something people know in society as a Godwink. Maybe I need to be more specific, but I got what I asked for. Not just once but twice.

I need to ask God now what He wants to tell me through this. And see what surfaces.  I think Hawks represent a too-high perspective, as they are excellent hunters, so maybe this is a call for me to look higher and gain a different perspective.

Life update

 

I thought I would make a new post. One reason I need to get things out, and another to update. I do not know who, if anyone, reads, but regardless, I will write.

End of Jan I joined the health ministry at my church. And February was pretty eventful. Will get to that in a bit but right now a bit about the health ministry.

I went to my first salad bar event and took pictures of that. I am also trying to get into doing more graphic design, but there are times I feel my past was for nothing. I do more for myself then others and I get tired of saying I can do it and have to convince people I can. I sometimes feel my graphic design diploma was for nothing. We wasted money on my school for what? Sorry, blowing off some steam.

(picture of our salad jar that we did)

On the positive, I made a new connection, and I feel like I have a new friend. It has been really good for me. This person has been sitting beside me and has given me good feelings. I am so grateful for this and Feb was a really good month. I hope to deepen the connection.

God gave me the word Abundance for 2026, at first I felt so good about it but as the year started I was like I don't think that its going to be. I only started to feel that way in Feb and even from our financial advisor we got a good report. We are doing really well and I am blessed because I know every little thing, people, money, time, etc its all God's. 

Despite having a good month I am feeling a bit discouraged. I think this is why I just sit and stay at home because when I do things for others its not good enough. I seem to get shot down a lot.  

I have been struggling with purpose, and even the desires and needs I have. You have no idea how much you want a deep hug from someone one of those hugs that you just know that you matter. I am tired of having to second-guess myself all the time. I am doing pictures of church and will continue it gives me something to do during church plus when I sit  at the front I concentrate better.

Its hard feeling loneliness, I have been longing to talk with someone but it just feels nothing comes.I wish life was easier. I see those that practise darker things get blessings and I just wonder when will I get the longings of my heart. Its been hard.

My writing seems to be taking a step back because I am trying to connect with people more in person. I get tired of online yes I am longing for connection. Its hard doing life alone. I am feeling a bit depressed too..Well okay not depressed but really down. Depression I don't think have ever  had. or maybe. I don't know but extremely feeling down.

I just want Abundance to hit all areas of my life.

Right now I just feel so unimportant and like I do not matter one bit. I feel I could be gone tomorrow and no one would miss me. Its horrible going through life and feeling like you do not matter. Just cause I do things doesn't mean I feel valued. Sometimes you do things because you enjoy doing them. Not because people value what you do.

I am sorry this is not a good feel post. I mean it had some good bits but just struggling today.

Can't remain silent.

 

It has been a while again since I made a post and right now I can not remain silent on whats unfolding in our world.

As a follower of Christ, I can't sit back and say nothing, do nothing; I must speak up.

The tragic incident that unfolded this past week, with the killing of a woman, has left me in disbelief. And what's even more so is how governmental officials claim that they are a Christian nation. 

I am at my core a pacifist. I do not believe war is justified. I can't help this is who I am. I also feel long gone our the days of engaging in civil conversation. People make the event saying that Renee Good was wrong. My heart breaks for the number of families being torn apart for what so many claim to be God's work.

I don't know what God you are worshiping, but the God I serve would not be telling people to kill mothers, to separate families, to run a country with terror. The principles on which the country was built are no longer. The American dream is DEAD. If you are white, you stand a chance; being asian, indian, Latino or any other ethnicity, you are not welcome in the US. The terror needs to stop.

I saw what unfolded, so yeah, the other side maybe they should not have been deliberately making comments, but the other side is not innocent. We live in world where if someone dislikes what you say or how you look you get killed. Unfortunately, it was an abuse of power. 

Those sided with what happened can say all they want I know what I saw. I saw two videos, and if it were someone on the street who shot and killed someone because of what was described above, they would go to jail and be convicted. I do not understand. Its as if the group that conducted the shooting is holy or something.

Long time no post.

 

It has been over a month since I last wrote. Things have been crazy busy. 

I was glad to be part of my shelter's animal pics with Santa. It was a unique experience and frankly challenged me quite a bit. I am used to getting shots of animals being themselves, so trying to get them to pose is quite the challenge. I've added a few shots.

I also been busy with my cousins wedding and spent a few days with family well coming back home.