Radiant Woman Academy

So I started taking a new course with my company. It's called RWA, better known as Radiant Woman Academy. This is pouring life into me as a woman. For so long, I have felt less than most women because I am not a mother or a wife. It has been a double-edged sword because it is something I have longed for since I was like 8 years old, and in reality, those things never came into fruition.

As I was watching the previous week's course yesterday, she started to validate something I have been feeling. I have been longing so deeply for connection. It has been hard. Here is what I posted in my takeaway for this week.

So the part about singlesness really spoke to me, and it's been hitting hard lately. I am dying for connection; it has been super lonely and isolating because people my age are busy as a family and have been longing so much for someone to connect with on a deeper level. So that kinda was part of a takeaway, even though the call was not about that. I have just been feeling so down and disconnected, and it feels like people I connect with leave and I never see them again, and it has been super hard on me. Doing life alone is not easy. And you made me feel better saying that its natural for as women to long for those connections.

When our founder and the person who wrote the course said this, I felt validated. I just feel like so much is tying in with one another. It has not been easy for me, but on the course.

Right now, we are on the pillar that talks about the home. And also some of the takeaways from previous weeks spoke to me. I will post three takeaways from each week so far.

Mental Health

 

This past month, it's been hard; my mental health is struggling. Its really hard when you don't have friends or people in your life. Sure, I interact with people at church, but not with one person on a daily basis.

God gave me the word Abundance at the end of last year for this year, but now I am wondering how it is even going to be an abundant year? February was extraordinarily good, but this month I have a challenge, and my mental health has been struggling.

Those who read my chapter know that I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. When people say you can be set free, it's hard to imagine or even try to embody that because depression or anxiety have always been present. I don't know how to be in that state. So yes, because of meds, I have little anxiety now. But then depression creeps in. Today and this weekend have been one of those days.

It's hard when you have these deep longings, but nothing seems to come into fruition. I am sure my health is poor, not because of what I eat, but emotionally and spiritually, so much is lacking. It's not just about what you eat, drink, watch or listen to, there is another component that has been running on empty for quite a while. Its hard to bless people with the overflow when you are empty.

So at church this weekend, I could not remember this site's exact URL, so I just picked a verse, and this verse came to mind, and I think it's very fitting. James 1:2 Have I read it before YES, but I did not retain the chapter, the verse, etc. I did not have it memorized, and look what God is doing here. Here is the verse 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds.

 Lots of inner struggles are happening, and I think this is something God wants me to know. Why else would this verse come to mind? Funny how God works. I have many unspoken prayer things, even my therapist doesn’t know. And while I didn't exactly mention what's going on in a group, I have left out so much. I am really struggling to feel connection and most weeks I don’t talk to people. I am struggling with isolation, disconnection and a bit of loneliness. Maybe this is why God highlighted this verse to my mind. I did not remember that this was the verse. This cross is very heavy, and it doesn’t get any lighter.

Its hard doing life alone, I dunno maybe God wants me to be lonely? Maybe he wants me to only want him and no one else? Maybe he wants me to feel depressed and anxious, maybe he wants me this way. It has not been an easy month and been so very much discouraged. I am not sure what to do. 

I don't want this blog to be one of down and negativity, but I can't smile and pretend everything is okay when it is not. Its hard to even discuss all my inner struggles with even my therapist which I did to a certain point but left out crucial parts. I don't think anyone would understand. And I am afraid that if I do share it, I will get advice to just discourage me even further, so I play it safe. Because I'd rather carry it then get a heavier load.

There is this deep sadness, and this deep problem but it could also be a factor of my PCOS. So hard to know exactly what it is. If its the PCOS or if its just the usual mental health struggles.

If you read till here I thank you. This is my outlet, I love to write. I feel it helps me and with not many people that venture here or read my blogs it makes it easier to write it out and get things out. Cause then I do not fear am going to lose people because people do not know whats going on. 

Hawks and Godwinks

(Hawk from and that is native to the Galapagos. Not from this past week) 

 

I want to share a story with you and something that happened to me.

Earlier during the week, I posted a note saying I wanted a Godwink from God.

Godwink, I first heard of it when I watched a Christmas movie called A Godwink Christmas.

Well, on Wednesday, on my way to eat lunch with 4 other people from my church, including my mom, I saw a Hawk on our way, which was an hour away.

After lunch, when we got back to my city, I saw another one. Okay, so that's not just the end of the story.

I decided to look up the Christian meaning of "Hawks". While the overall description was good, when I looked at it, I saw that Hawks are literally known as Godwinks. So not only did I get one wink, I got two.

I find it so funny how God literally did this. Hawks mean so many things symbolically, but I know I need to dive deeper to see what God is trying to show me or tell me. But I think I got the hawks for 2 reasons.

One thing I have been missing is my animal friends. I don't see much wildlife where I live, mostly squirrels, robins, crows, and the occasional rabbit, so I think he used his Hawks for one reason. The other was that I wanted a Godwink, and God literally gave me that something people know in society as a Godwink. Maybe I need to be more specific, but I got what I asked for. Not just once but twice.

I need to ask God now what He wants to tell me through this. And see what surfaces.  I think Hawks represent a too-high perspective, as they are excellent hunters, so maybe this is a call for me to look higher and gain a different perspective.

Life update

 

I thought I would make a new post. One reason I need to get things out, and another to update. I do not know who, if anyone, reads, but regardless, I will write.

End of Jan I joined the health ministry at my church. And February was pretty eventful. Will get to that in a bit but right now a bit about the health ministry.

I went to my first salad bar event and took pictures of that. I am also trying to get into doing more graphic design, but there are times I feel my past was for nothing. I do more for myself then others and I get tired of saying I can do it and have to convince people I can. I sometimes feel my graphic design diploma was for nothing. We wasted money on my school for what? Sorry, blowing off some steam.

(picture of our salad jar that we did)

On the positive, I made a new connection, and I feel like I have a new friend. It has been really good for me. This person has been sitting beside me and has given me good feelings. I am so grateful for this and Feb was a really good month. I hope to deepen the connection.

God gave me the word Abundance for 2026, at first I felt so good about it but as the year started I was like I don't think that its going to be. I only started to feel that way in Feb and even from our financial advisor we got a good report. We are doing really well and I am blessed because I know every little thing, people, money, time, etc its all God's. 

Despite having a good month I am feeling a bit discouraged. I think this is why I just sit and stay at home because when I do things for others its not good enough. I seem to get shot down a lot.  

I have been struggling with purpose, and even the desires and needs I have. You have no idea how much you want a deep hug from someone one of those hugs that you just know that you matter. I am tired of having to second-guess myself all the time. I am doing pictures of church and will continue it gives me something to do during church plus when I sit  at the front I concentrate better.

Its hard feeling loneliness, I have been longing to talk with someone but it just feels nothing comes.I wish life was easier. I see those that practise darker things get blessings and I just wonder when will I get the longings of my heart. Its been hard.

My writing seems to be taking a step back because I am trying to connect with people more in person. I get tired of online yes I am longing for connection. Its hard doing life alone. I am feeling a bit depressed too..Well okay not depressed but really down. Depression I don't think have ever  had. or maybe. I don't know but extremely feeling down.

I just want Abundance to hit all areas of my life.

Right now I just feel so unimportant and like I do not matter one bit. I feel I could be gone tomorrow and no one would miss me. Its horrible going through life and feeling like you do not matter. Just cause I do things doesn't mean I feel valued. Sometimes you do things because you enjoy doing them. Not because people value what you do.

I am sorry this is not a good feel post. I mean it had some good bits but just struggling today.