Mental Health

 

This past month, it's been hard; my mental health is struggling. Its really hard when you don't have friends or people in your life. Sure, I interact with people at church, but not with one person on a daily basis.

God gave me the word Abundance at the end of last year for this year, but now I am wondering how it is even going to be an abundant year? February was extraordinarily good, but this month I have a challenge, and my mental health has been struggling.

Those who read my chapter know that I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. When people say you can be set free, it's hard to imagine or even try to embody that because depression or anxiety have always been present. I don't know how to be in that state. So yes, because of meds, I have little anxiety now. But then depression creeps in. Today and this weekend have been one of those days.

It's hard when you have these deep longings, but nothing seems to come into fruition. I am sure my health is poor, not because of what I eat, but emotionally and spiritually, so much is lacking. It's not just about what you eat, drink, watch or listen to, there is another component that has been running on empty for quite a while. Its hard to bless people with the overflow when you are empty.

So at church this weekend, I could not remember this site's exact URL, so I just picked a verse, and this verse came to mind, and I think it's very fitting. James 1:2 Have I read it before YES, but I did not retain the chapter, the verse, etc. I did not have it memorized, and look what God is doing here. Here is the verse 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds.

 Lots of inner struggles are happening, and I think this is something God wants me to know. Why else would this verse come to mind? Funny how God works. I have many unspoken prayer things, even my therapist doesn’t know. And while I didn't exactly mention what's going on in a group, I have left out so much. I am really struggling to feel connection and most weeks I don’t talk to people. I am struggling with isolation, disconnection and a bit of loneliness. Maybe this is why God highlighted this verse to my mind. I did not remember that this was the verse. This cross is very heavy, and it doesn’t get any lighter.

Its hard doing life alone, I dunno maybe God wants me to be lonely? Maybe he wants me to only want him and no one else? Maybe he wants me to feel depressed and anxious, maybe he wants me this way. It has not been an easy month and been so very much discouraged. I am not sure what to do. 

I don't want this blog to be one of down and negativity, but I can't smile and pretend everything is okay when it is not. Its hard to even discuss all my inner struggles with even my therapist which I did to a certain point but left out crucial parts. I don't think anyone would understand. And I am afraid that if I do share it, I will get advice to just discourage me even further, so I play it safe. Because I'd rather carry it then get a heavier load.

There is this deep sadness, and this deep problem but it could also be a factor of my PCOS. So hard to know exactly what it is. If its the PCOS or if its just the usual mental health struggles.

If you read till here I thank you. This is my outlet, I love to write. I feel it helps me and with not many people that venture here or read my blogs it makes it easier to write it out and get things out. Cause then I do not fear am going to lose people because people do not know whats going on.