A mix of things.

 

I usually like to post on a topic-specific post, but this is going to be a post on random things. 

At the end of 2024, I was diagnosed with PCOS/ Insulin resistance. I need to make so many modifications to my diet. It's hard, but I'm doing the best I can. So much I should avoid because it does not help my condition. I started drinking Matcha tea with Green tea in it, and it's helping me stay more alert, but the thing that's helping the most is Inositol.  Since taking it, I feel I have more energy and am less sleepy.

However, lately I have been feeling discouraged. I feel like the week is going so slowly and am longing for things I do not even know if will ever bring forth fruit. It's hard when you long for things and see no signs of fruit. I know God has his own timing, and like we are told, it's always perfect, but it's hard to wait. I know I think of 1 Thessalonians 5:1, that we are to give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for you. But it is challenging.

I have been trying to rely on God, go to him with my longings, with what's on my mind and heart, but it's not easy. My struggle in life is that I find it hard to have relationships in my life. And if I can't have a relationship with people, I can see how I can with God; I can't see. I do try to have a relationship with those I know, but sometimes I wonder if that's even a relationship?  I often hear that if you get your relationship with God right, the rest will fall into place. So I go back and forth with which I should focus on. Yes, as a believer, God should be the choice, but it's hard.

I have struggled with fear; I can be a very fearful person. I have struggled with this my whole life. Unfortunately, I grew up in a time when pastors and people felt like it was their duty to terrify people so they would not sin. Yet that left scars and it really damaged my relationship with God and Jesus. I felt like God and Jesus were looking to punish me. They made me see the Bible as terrifying and devoid of hope so I never read it. Until more recently in 2018 I did read it from cover to cover. I have been in the space of faith since I was a baby, but I avoided a lot because of the representation of God through other people. So now radical healing needs to take place. 

This brings me to another thing. We decided at the beginning of the year to move closer to our church so we could attend more activities, and it feels like even those activities that they had aren't happening anymore. I feel like when we were elsewhere, we had way more things happening at the church than we do now, and this makes me sad. I have become attached to my church family.

I look forward to going there and seeing people. Of course, I also look forward to events I can attend and be around people I have gotten attached to seeing. I know nothing in this world lasts forever, but there are parts of me that wish I could freeze time so that it could be a reality. I hope they will have the regular end-of-year program, as I have looked forward to it.

I am pretty isolated during the week, so it's good to be around people and with a similar lifestyle and things. While I love the shelter work I do and do engage in conversations with people there, it's not the same. I see people are in different worlds. But this has had me down a bit. I was looking forward to connecting more.

Now, out of it, I am reflecting on what I want to flourish in 2026 if it is God's will for me. The word he gave me is a good one, and it says things will, but I still hope things will. I am not sharing my word just yet, I will make a post about it sometime in December. It could already be for now since he gave it to me early, but I am waiting to reveal it. 

Some good news, though, this past weekend at church, I was able to talk to 7 people. Some were more in-depth than others, but I was able to speak with many people, which is significant progress for me. I still have a long way to go, but I am moving in the right direction. 

I am, however, feeling a bit depressed and down. Well, actually, if I don't think I can use the term depressed, but blah and not good is better. I feel like something is missing. I know I need to lean on God even more during these periods, but it's hard. Loneliness can kill. I am not super lonely but I am not feeling my best. I only see people on the weekend or when I'm in at the shelter, and I don't always get to have a conversation.

Waiting can be a very tough thing. This week is going by so slowly, and I'm in the blahs, feeling like doing nothing. But this is a victory because I made this post and spent time writing it.