Situation Struggle

 

I have an issue that has been heavy on my heart, and I do not know what to do.

I have been going to God with it but it doesn't seem to get any lighter. I am doing my best not to control the situation but just release full control to God where it belongs to begin with but its hard.

I am feeling incredibly discouraged, and no matter how much I go to God, no matter how much I read his word, it just feels like it won't dissipate. 

What do you do? Yes, I remember Ecclesiastes 7:8, and I still feel it is applicable to my situation, but I am still struggling. I honestly do not know what to do. I also feel I can't talk to anyone about this because I feel I give enough energy to it with what I have given to God and what we focus on is what expands.

I am honestly feeling so forgotten by the Lord. That he is not hearing me. I also do not understand why he would allow something to happen to just take it away. It would have been better for it not to happen at all. I am just overrun with disappointment, and I am tired. I am tired of waiting, I am tired of things not happening, and I am tired of things happening to just be taken away.

I just feel incredibly discouraged and already cried a bit this morning.

I am trying my best to think positively, but even so, it has not been easy. I am practicing affirmations and trying to incorporate positive thoughts, but I am struggling. My heart is heavy and do not know what to do. 

Am I an awful person? Did I do something that God has placed me last on his list? Or maybe he has just forgotten about me. I feel unseen, not valued and dismissed.  Like I said to my therapist, I feel I have a voice but don't have a voice. Gosh, this is hard. I wish I had hope and been praying for a Miracle with this for such a long time.

I am trying so hard for this to not be a negative place but I am struggling right now.

Journaling

 

While I have this blog and will continue to use it I am looking to start journaling things. Important ahas or any moment of revelation, I may start to blog a post about it. 

I want my blog to be a place of encouragement and wisdom. I want it to be a positive place and not just negative things. I want those posts to be a bare minimum. 

This blog will continue and will continue to share what I am learning, and positive things but I want to have a place too with that kind of information and a place for me to write my thoughts. I tend to use my blog more because I can type longer than I can write.

I need to start searching for journal prompts, but also when I post some revelation, I summarize it and then write the takeaway down in a journal. I need a place that I can refer to that has positive things, so when I am down, I can read and be like, " Wow, that's such a good takeaway. 

I might do some memes that I really like too, or thoughts. I need to help myself during dark moments.

I will still keep my prayer journal, which is not going anywhere, but I need places where I can use my voice. 

It has been so hard because I have felt most of my life like my voice didn't matter. I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to have gone your life this way. I have felt the majority of my life this way. I think this is where writing was born with me. It gave me the opportunity to share my thoughts, and mostly because no one sees it, I can't be made to feel lesser or like I did not matter.

I am looking forward to what will come out. I already wrote part of this post yesterday, and since then, I have 3 pages of memes I saw recently that I want to keep down as a reminder. Can I save it all in folder yes but there is power in writing it down.

I have a plan I bought some gel pens in different colors and I will be categorizing them colors and what the mean. So purple for example is for memes I find and like the though. Etc. So when I go through my journal I can locate things easier. 

I may start to write more here too because I like to, but it's going to depend on what's going on too. But hoping to keep this blog more active with content. Not sure if anyone even follows, but if you do, I will be adding more. I guess this blog is more for me than anyone else.

RWA- Radiant Woman Academy

So I am taking two courses right now.

RLA (Radiant Leadership Academy) & RWA (Radiant Woman Academy)

I have not posted much on RWA, but a lot of it has been about stewarding the home. However, this has been the biggest takeaway for the past 5 weeks we have done so far]

• When we treat caring for our home as a holy act of worship, it changes the way we feel about it, and it opens the door for the miraculous to take place.

I never thought of cleaning and tidying as a form of worship. Until now, for me, cleaning is just a chore, something we must do as part of living, and especially in the way we have homes today.

So the biggest takeaway that wasn't said in the lessons but that I got was that cleaning, tidying, sorting, and taking care of our home is a form of worship.

I, for far too long, put off doing housework, not because I feel I can't or am not able to. I just felt that my effort and my best were not good enough. It's more of a self-confidence issue than anything else. So I am looking to declutter. Get rid of things I haven't worn in a long time, etc.

But this course is changing things and how I see things. I will be doing a blog post later but needed to post this now.

Kingdom Alliance is changing my world for the better.

This company has done so much for me, and I've grown so much in my years here than in anything else.

However, it has been challenging doing life alone and not having people to support or encourage you. I post my takeaways each week and most people don't. I also feel like when I post, people ignore. So this is my little spot to post and share my thoughts in a much more safe manner.

I have been doing RLA and RWA on replay but today I will be able to make it live for RWA and am looking forward to it. There is pluses and minuses to doing classes on live vs replay and vice versa. When I am on live I have more chances to connect with others who are taking the course too. But on replay I can rewind 10seconds to get the thought correctly down. So like I said flipside to everything

Some thoughts.

 

Can I give a perspective? Advice is so biased most of the time. I give advice based on my experience and most people do too.

Something I am learning is we need to go to God with things and not necessarily other people. Not because we do not need other people, but because only God knows our situation and only he can advise.

When I read Ecclesiastes 7:8 yesterday, I instantly felt like it's in a certain situation. I might read it 3 years from now and get something different, and you know what both are valid.

God speaks to us, and he guides us, and he impresses things upon our heart, if we allow him to.

I think in the coming months, I am going to lean more on God for things. Been doing a lot of that already but even more because I know I have room for improvement.

I am not saying advice is bad. It's not just that most people give advice based on their experiences rather than on our unique situations. God, though, knows everything from start to finish. He knows when you enter the world and when you leave, and nothing surprises him because he has written your story.

I think too often we feel the pressures from the enemy that we need to be perfect or that we can take God by surprise but believe me I believe he is there even in the icky parts. I think its part of your story.

So instead of beating yourself up for the bad that has happened, that is just part of the human experience, and God knows what will happen, even the bad.

Maybe in part this is why we are told to rejoice always, even amongst conflict and strife, and maybe this is why we are also told that no matter the circumstances, this is the will of God in your life. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

I am not saying God desires us to be sick, or hurt, or injured but I do believe he has a plan even though those things he knew would come to pass.

I just think my prayers to see this situation I have with God's eyes is slowly starting to happen but I ask you God again help me to see this situation with your eyes.

PCOS update

 I thought I would make an update on living with PCOS. There is no cure, only management.

I have had some positive things happen; I am not losing hair at the same rate I was. I drink Spearmint daily and think its making a difference.  I am looking to get a tea specifically for PCOS that I have found that has a lot of things I drink anyway, but all in one tea.

I also found that when I started taking inositol, it also started to help. Although that's good, and while I am still taking it, metformin does nothing, and I want to go on berberine so badly. I do better with natural remedies versus manufactured stuff that just keeps you sick.

Like my anxiety meds, I wish I could be off them. Because I know its just a mask not a treatment.But I keep taking it because I am at least functional. I tried different things in the past, like valerian, and it did not do a thing for me. So not all natural stuff works, but it mostly does.

Love

 

I keep going back and forth whether to write this or not and well I need to get it out of my system it has been super hard lately.

I don't know why but I think the enemy wants me to be discouraged and give up wanting to be a wife because he sends people to sour the whole topic and pulls me in discouragement. I am very aware that happy endings are rare but why can't I hope in God that I might be one of the blessed ones to have that.

This is a topic I would rather talk to fellow movie fans about because they understand far more than other people do. I have not had examples of healthy love all my life. I have seen abuse, mostly verbal abuse. I have seen so many people complain and be biased on love and relationships and not in a good way.

In all the learning I am doing in one of the classes, they say that women are meant to be helpers and helpmates to men. We aren't meant to do it alone, and I also crave relationships so deeply.  No one seems to understand.

People seem to idolize singleness, and I think this is part of the enemy's plan to keep us stuck, depressed and discouraged. I get it not every relationship is a healthy one or necessarily good but its been hard when this is something you have wanted since you were 5 years old.

Women were created to be a helpmate to men; we need them for the connection, and they need us to help them.

It's hard because I have been so desperate for the connection, and I feel like when I do connect with someone, they leave. Trying to leave it all in God's hands, but doesn't mean it is easy. I also find it's harder to do things with a friend than with a significant other. I feel like friends often need permission from their family to venture out, whereas with a spouse or significant other, you build your life together. 

Not at all discounting friends, we need them too, but it gets lonely at times. I don't know how many outings I have done with people in the past, even family/friends, and felt so alone. It's hard when you don't get to share. I am terrible at interrupting or joining a conversation. Its why I prefer text and chatting online as its at a pace and way I like. I write something, then they write something, and we hear each other. Most of the time, it's one person who does all the talking. Written, both people have the chance, but it can still be onside, it really depends on the other person.

I long for the connection, I want someone I can do stuff with, someone I can share life with. I have my pup which I LOVE DEARLY. But it would be nice to have another human.

I don't know if it will happen for me. I long for it. I long for connection, and seems when I find it, it vanishes. It has not been easy but I will keep hoping. I won't let go of my hope. Even if others are badmouthing love, etc. People need to be more careful with their words. Just cause it did not work out for you. Doesn't mean for others it won't. God is in control.