Grief is Hard

 

Why is grief so hard?  My sweet pup had her dental surgery; it went well, thanks to God. I praise him because everything went well, but I can't help but think. She is a senior, and unfortunately, she doesn't live forever. Well, not now anyway, in the sinful world we live in.

I love my pup so much, and I can't help but think things, but I am just having a day of release, and I have not cried this deeply since my dog Smokey passed away. I hope my girl will improve and get back to her regular self. 

However, she has healing to do. I can't help but think about it a bit. I need to be prepared, but it found me today, and I am sensitive and in a basket of tears. I know it's not good for me to stay this way for her, so I am resorting to blogging to help me through my emotions about my sweet, sweet girl.

I say my but I know she belongs to God. I don't own anything; it's all God's. He created me, he created her, and he is the author of the story. I am very grateful he gave me her to steward after. It's a pleasure to look after and tend to God's critters. But at the same time in this world where we are born, and we die its hard. You start life with joy and you end it in tears. I know it's the in-between that matters, but still it can be hard.

Grief is hard, and there is all kinds of grief for all kinds of things its not just loss of an animal or person, it can be life, a job, a phase in life, etc. Grief is often painful, but it doesn't mean it is an easy process to follow. I just ask for strength from my creator because these things are hard. But I am going to think positively and hopefully will have many more years with my girl, but I must be prepared.

I know there is so much love out there. I am not someone that will harden myself to another animal. Its all worth it but at the same time the loss will be equally painful. Its kinda the price we pay in this world for love.

But after I post this I will dry my tears and think positively. God help her in her healing journey because she had to have many teeth removed because of periodontal disease.

I love her so much, though; she has been my sunshine. Its hard to age. I know its a gift too because many don't get to but still its not all sunshine and rainbows. There can be parts that are so deeply painful.

Why?

 

Part of why I have this blog is for me a safe space to get out my thoughts without people judging me. I am so tired of being judged and I am so tired of being made to feel I am the bad guy and wrong.

My mental health struggles seem to just increase due to people. I don't understand why people have to argue or make a counter comment on everything and no matter where I do it happens.

First, I comment as I have had for 40 years mental health struggles. I have invested in therapy, taking psychology and reading up on the matter. I believe the more information I have, the better I can treat it. God may or may not choose to cure me, and that's up to him; he knows what's best.

I have been struggling because any time I post my thoughts I get attacked. I feel like I don't matter; my opinions don't matter. I already struggle with depression and this just adds another layer.

Speaking for cows, chickens and pigs during my animal activism day gave me significance and something  I do not feel anymore. Part of me stopped because it was so hard; there was nothing I could do to stop those pigs or cows from being slaughtered. It added another layer to my depression. And also if when I speak people attack me, my thoughts, my insights how can I even remotely speak for the cows or pigs.

Wife in the Waiting IDK

 

I have been feeling the need to write this for a long time and been hesitating but I need to get it out. I don't want it to sound like I am complaining but its just how I am feeling.

Back in April I came across an IG that a lady helps other women prepare for a husband. I have been trying to do that but I am struggling. 

Guys do not generally talk to me. I also have a past of chasing men that could care less I existed. I find with Men, you have to let them do the pursuing. When I have done it just left me in frustrating and depression.

I just been unlucky in life and now at my age I even wonder whats the point. I even stopped reading the book that the lady put together called wife in the waiting to help women prepare and pray for their spouse..

However I feel whats the point? People say how you feel won't last forever and I have felt this way since a little girl. Even while working on my mindset and people constantly saying you'll find someone when I even have never been asked out.

I feel like I repell men. They see me and go the other way. I am just beyond discouraged. And these feelings continue day after day.

I truly believe not everyone has someone out there for them but I would of liked to have had the experience. Becasue I only have one shot at love.

How can I prepare for something I can't see or feel?  I don't even know. Its just so discouraging seeing so many people marry, have babies, etc and here I am not even able to get one man to like me.

I have grown frustrated and I feel like the most I can get to experience is to live vicariously through the movies I see.

But I also think that's part of the problem men don't go after women. And they don't do those things that they do in the movie. In a utopia world but romance is dead. And guys don't do those things now a days.

I am really not trying to complain but I am feel so down and so aweful about this.

I worry about my future. I don't have friends, or people I talk with are much older then me and they won't be here forever. Even my mom is aging and no idea how much longer I have with her. I am just so discouraged.

I just have come to the conclusion that I am damage goods and no one wants me. I had hoped so much I would be at least in a relationship at this point in my life but nope. So pray for me to accept I will never marry. Pray for me to accept and be okay with my reality. Theres no point in hoping or dreaming any more. When I like someone they reject me and I am getting tired of waiting for someone to like me.

Breeder or Rescue

 

This post is not for me to say I have all the answers, but I don't. Please note I have a history, so I know what I am talking about.

I got into a heated argument online with someone about rescue dogs. She was advocating that going to a breader is better then adopting claiming that shelter dogs are traumatized. So while that is true there are that is not the case for all.

She also advocated that its easier to train a new life then an old one and from experience that is not true.

My first dog was a collie mix, he had traumas yes but he was the best dogs.My thing is no matter if you get a dog from a rescue or from a breeder they need training. Also when you look at shelters there are plenty dogs that are purebreds So then what? 

As someone that has been exposed to the rescue shelter world since 2012 and since 2022 I volunteer at local shelter I have lots of experience. 

My pup she was a street dog and she is super intellegent. My issue too and the post was talking about how we are breeding dogs while other die. I don't think thats fair. Its like saying  this person has no life so lets kill them to make room for others that do.