Random things

 

The hard part I have doing workshops, and various events its for people for little to having no exposure to certain topics. So the workshops are really basic.

I signed up for a workshop at church, and I feel I am getting very little from it. I was hoping to see how it would help me with the workshop's topic, which is resting in God. I was hoping it would help me to be more okay with the silence of the Sabbath. They are not doing anything but staring at the walls.

This is something I struggle hard with; my denomination is not doing anything from sundown to sundown. Not going online is so hard. I have no one to talk too so even that does not happen. Even at church I talk the most when I arrive and after that other people get in conversation with one another and I feel like an idiot just standing and waiting. I am not someone to interrupt conversations. I wait to be acknowledged if that even happens.

Its such a hard feeling to have when you are socially awkward. I have gotten to the point where I just sit at church while people leave. I spend time looking at my phone to pass the time, and then when 15 min pass, I leave. It's just so hard being socially awkward. I don't know what to say. Now when its online I am more likely to be different because my brain works differently. Also, I can think what I want to say when I am responding, and if it takes an hour, it takes an hour. Trying to do that while talking doesn't work. I have never been quick on my feet.

Discouraged

 

I have been feeling very discouraged lately. I always hear to be yourself, but being myself has lost so many people. I have grown tired of this world.

There is a reason I have basically little to no relationships is because people judge you. I understand people are human, they are going to have dark moments, but I have learned that humanity is that people only have your back when things are going well. When things go wrong, people abandon ship.

I was diagnosed a ways back people avoidant personality and the only reason I have that is because of the pain. I am so tired of the pain others inflict. So I am much more guarded around people. I can be friendly but it usually does not go beyond that because of the pain I have had to deal with.

Social media has become a horrible place. People friend then unfriend, and it drives me batty. People are no longer there. And people only want to be friends with people that only show positivity.  Its like that saying everyone wants to enjoy the feast but very little want to do the work.

I guess I just need to accept I am not going to have friends. People will eventually abandon me. I guess this is why I prefer animals because their love is consistent. When you are feeling down they stick by your side or try and cheer you up.

I decided I am only going to post here from now on since very few are even remotely interested in me. Social media has become a place to collect people.

You know, as time goes by, instead of gaining more confidence, I feel like I am going down instead of up. I am slowly being buried alive. I am not sure what I did so wrong in my life to have to deal with this and get this in my life. So I will just be the person who remains quiet and only lets the animals get to see my truest self. Since they are the only ones who can accept me for who I am.

I am just tired of pain, I am just tired of trying. No one understands me and clearly I am tired of trying to explain myself.

A shorter post but I needed to get this out. This will be my new home.