Why?

 

Part of why I have this blog is for me a safe space to get out my thoughts without people judging me. I am so tired of being judged and I am so tired of being made to feel I am the bad guy and wrong.

My mental health struggles seem to just increase due to people. I don't understand why people have to argue or make a counter comment on everything and no matter where I do it happens.

First, I comment as I have had for 40 years mental health struggles. I have invested in therapy, taking psychology and reading up on the matter. I believe the more information I have, the better I can treat it. God may or may not choose to cure me, and that's up to him; he knows what's best.

I have been struggling because any time I post my thoughts I get attacked. I feel like I don't matter; my opinions don't matter. I already struggle with depression and this just adds another layer.

Speaking for cows, chickens and pigs during my animal activism day gave me significance and something  I do not feel anymore. Part of me stopped because it was so hard; there was nothing I could do to stop those pigs or cows from being slaughtered. It added another layer to my depression. And also if when I speak people attack me, my thoughts, my insights how can I even remotely speak for the cows or pigs.

I have so many days that I wish I was born someone else, someone that people listened too. Doctors don't listen to me, people don't listen to me. Others feel the need to attack my comment and not other peoples and its just tired. I am at the point where I will just stay bottled up as thats the best thing I can do.

Many years back, some doctor, or mental health professional, diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder, and if I have that, which maybe I do, people created that in me. I don't know what I did so wrong to be treated this way. My whole life I have had nothing but bad experiences with people. The good experiences I have had always revolve around my parents.

I mean, even with my company, they claim to be its different there but I will never forget going to the conference and feeling so alone. If I did not stay and try to be part, people would go on and do things on there own with other people. The only good experience I felt was being part of a book. But socially I felt very alone. I was alone for most part. It was a big disappointment especially when people preach about inclusion yet I felt very excluded.  I just have many stories.

I feel in society I am one of those animals that was rejected by its mother. But in my case its I am rejected by society. 

You have no idea how it feels day in and out to feel like you have no value. I have been keeping busy these past 3 months doing housework as I am doing it for myself. To have things I like to eat, to have an area that feels good to me, etc. But it gets utterly discouraging the way people treat me. And I do not know what I have done so wrong in my existence to have this.

Rejected from people, rejected from society, and I feel even rejected from God.

I wanted to write about something different this week but this is too fresh.

Why don't I matter?