The hard part I have doing workshops, and various events its for people for little to having no exposure to certain topics. So the workshops are really basic.
I signed up for a workshop at church, and I feel I am getting very little from it. I was hoping to see how it would help me with the workshop's topic, which is resting in God. I was hoping it would help me to be more okay with the silence of the Sabbath. They are not doing anything but staring at the walls.
This is something I struggle hard with; my denomination is not doing anything from sundown to sundown. Not going online is so hard. I have no one to talk too so even that does not happen. Even at church I talk the most when I arrive and after that other people get in conversation with one another and I feel like an idiot just standing and waiting. I am not someone to interrupt conversations. I wait to be acknowledged if that even happens.
Its such a hard feeling to have when you are socially awkward. I have gotten to the point where I just sit at church while people leave. I spend time looking at my phone to pass the time, and then when 15 min pass, I leave. It's just so hard being socially awkward. I don't know what to say. Now when its online I am more likely to be different because my brain works differently. Also, I can think what I want to say when I am responding, and if it takes an hour, it takes an hour. Trying to do that while talking doesn't work. I have never been quick on my feet.
Right now I am getting in as much as I can futbol. This only happen ever 2-4 years. Well euro cup is ever 4 years, world cup is every 4 years but because they happen different times I usually need to wait 2 years inbetween events. I have a lot of european background but also the main one I enjoy which is the Brazilian background. But because of my european background I like to watch Euro cup too.
Outside of my futbol time though spiritually I am really struggling. I just feel like I am getting no where. I am also having a hard time to see God as a parent vs someone that am to be afraid of. I have spent such a long time without writing to God and for over 7 days I have not written on evening. So yes am writing here but its different when you write to God. I just feel ignored and invisible even to him. I have been feeling discouraged too. Mentally so much going on.
I also feel because of who I am people don't want to mentor me, or support me or anything.Its so hard doing this work but feeling like you are getting nowhere. Its feels like a rocking chair. Gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.
I also think will try to blog more often because this is how I feel I can use my voice and its a lot safer this way then losing people.
On the good news I won a basket of berries from a farm here where I live. I wish there was a way to get more involved with the farm but I just don't have any qualifications. But its something I believe in organic produce and plant based foods.
While I have not been lately focusing on growth from courses, books, podcasts, etc I am still on the growth journey. I have been doing growth differently but still growth. I have had a lot of hands on growth. I have had to get repairs done, and cooking meals, and trying to take care of various things and honestly I don't know how everyone does it because I really struggle. by 6pm all I want is to go to bed, and I do. Inbetween cooking and cleaning the kitchen daily I have little to no energy even to be on social media or online. This is the first opportunity I have had to sit and do a writing and been doing so for an hour now. I think will end this blog post and save more things for a different day.
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