Breakthrough!

I will be starting this soon. I am going to wait for June 1st. I am trying so hard to reestablish a relationship with our Heavenly Father. I really am.

But I am so broken, and this is going to be a brutally honest truth about me that I did not see myself voicing, but part of my journey, I believe, is to share my experience so they can be a guide for someone else.

As a child, I felt things so deeply. Like the pain I remember feeling as a child was something that of an adult. Like it was so deep. Not going into other specifics, but I have things.

Part of my strategy was that I did not open up to my parents, and the hurt I felt with other people, I had to create a numbness and a wall. So I did not feel pain.

I think later on in life, I started to reject people or keep people at arm's length because that felt safer. Sadly, even though now in my 40s, I realize there are other ways to deal with it, I did this out of practise because it's much safer than dealing with pain after.

I also recently learned I have a fear of abandonment. And this translates even towards God.

I have had instances in my life when I felt abandoned. The first boy I liked and felt connected to moved out of the country back to his home country. That was the first, deepest pain I felt, and where my sadness began. I am not going to tell my whole story not today, but I wanted to share that I have felt abandoned by people I connected with, the church, so-called friends, and ultimately, it made me believe that God would abandon me too.

I know His word says differently, but at the time, I did not want to read his word. I was very sensitive, and I found stuff in the word scary. Only some 30+ years later could I even read the word.

I ultimately left church in my college years because I was tired of hypocrisy. I was tired of feeling less than, and I ultimately felt that God was displeased with me and that he did not love me. Also was tired of hearing Gossip.

In 2017 after following Doreen Virtue, I had a mental health crisis that led me back to God and ultimately Jesus. Cause truth is I never stopped believing in him, I just believed there were other ways to him. In 2018 I read the Bible from cover to cover and reallly I think in a way not that I was reading for a reward, I read of curiosity and to really know what was in his books things started to happen in my life.

Learning to be held by the Father is still something I need help with. But you see my past has impacted not only my relationship with Him but others as well.

Being little and growing, when deep things happen and you do not have an outlet and you deal with how you can you do this the rest of your life. ITs so hard to break because this is how you've dealt with it. The only hope I have of breaking and starting to build those new neural pathways is through Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Not only is there a fear of abandonment, the wall I have had to build, I also have had to remain hidden. There is a part of me that longs to be seen but I am also afraid of it because of my fear of abandonment and I believe this is why when I share things and I lose people its upsets me. Its not because of the people itself I think, especially those in the internet that I barely even know but there is this fear of abandonment. I think this is also why I connect so deeply with dogs and feel so deeply when I see dogs being abandoned, because I can relate in some way or another to it.

Truth no one has taken me to the woods left me there and I had to fend for myself but fear of abandonment can be in various ways.

So yeah, when you believe and have felt like others abandoned you, it makes it hard sometimes to even feel or see differently that the Creator of the universe will never abandon you. Even though he says in his word that he won't/

People think I am shy. I am not shy. Yes I get anxious in a huge crowd. I am too energy sensitive and it really exhausts me. I am not shy though. But past experiences have led me to believe that I am to remain hidden. There is so much more I am not saying. But people do not understand. I do my best to express myself through writing because there is no time limit. This all would take me an hour or longer to explain. But through writing I can do it easier.

The written word has been what is healing me. I am not a verbal person, part is because I needed to suppress who I was, part because of fear of abandonment, part because of past experiences. I went through a lot as a child. And there is so much healing that only God can fully do for little Nikki.

I am slowly working on it, I am taking those steps and know that the steps I take God will work one way or another in the unseen to the seen.

There is a lot of fear, unfortunately I struggle with that. But I am slowly trying to heal, address, and be more aware of things.