Life update

 

I thought I would make a new post. One reason I need to get things out, and another to update. I do not know who, if anyone, reads, but regardless, I will write.

End of Jan I joined the health ministry at my church. And February was pretty eventful. Will get to that in a bit but right now a bit about the health ministry.

I went to my first salad bar event and took pictures of that. I am also trying to get into doing more graphic design, but there are times I feel my past was for nothing. I do more for myself then others and I get tired of saying I can do it and have to convince people I can. I sometimes feel my graphic design diploma was for nothing. We wasted money on my school for what? Sorry, blowing off some steam.

(picture of our salad jar that we did)

On the positive, I made a new connection, and I feel like I have a new friend. It has been really good for me. This person has been sitting beside me and has given me good feelings. I am so grateful for this and Feb was a really good month. I hope to deepen the connection.

God gave me the word Abundance for 2026, at first I felt so good about it but as the year started I was like I don't think that its going to be. I only started to feel that way in Feb and even from our financial advisor we got a good report. We are doing really well and I am blessed because I know every little thing, people, money, time, etc its all God's. 

Despite having a good month I am feeling a bit discouraged. I think this is why I just sit and stay at home because when I do things for others its not good enough. I seem to get shot down a lot.  

I have been struggling with purpose, and even the desires and needs I have. You have no idea how much you want a deep hug from someone one of those hugs that you just know that you matter. I am tired of having to second-guess myself all the time. I am doing pictures of church and will continue it gives me something to do during church plus when I sit  at the front I concentrate better.

Its hard feeling loneliness, I have been longing to talk with someone but it just feels nothing comes.I wish life was easier. I see those that practise darker things get blessings and I just wonder when will I get the longings of my heart. Its been hard.

My writing seems to be taking a step back because I am trying to connect with people more in person. I get tired of online yes I am longing for connection. Its hard doing life alone. I am feeling a bit depressed too..Well okay not depressed but really down. Depression I don't think have ever  had. or maybe. I don't know but extremely feeling down.

I just want Abundance to hit all areas of my life.

Right now I just feel so unimportant and like I do not matter one bit. I feel I could be gone tomorrow and no one would miss me. Its horrible going through life and feeling like you do not matter. Just cause I do things doesn't mean I feel valued. Sometimes you do things because you enjoy doing them. Not because people value what you do.

I am sorry this is not a good feel post. I mean it had some good bits but just struggling today.

Can't remain silent.

 

It has been a while again since I made a post and right now I can not remain silent on whats unfolding in our world.

As a follower of Christ, I can't sit back and say nothing, do nothing; I must speak up.

The tragic incident that unfolded this past week, with the killing of a woman, has left me in disbelief. And what's even more so is how governmental officials claim that they are a Christian nation. 

I am at my core a pacifist. I do not believe war is justified. I can't help this is who I am. I also feel long gone our the days of engaging in civil conversation. People make the event saying that Renee Good was wrong. My heart breaks for the number of families being torn apart for what so many claim to be God's work.

I don't know what God you are worshiping, but the God I serve would not be telling people to kill mothers, to separate families, to run a country with terror. The principles on which the country was built are no longer. The American dream is DEAD. If you are white, you stand a chance; being asian, indian, Latino or any other ethnicity, you are not welcome in the US. The terror needs to stop.

I saw what unfolded, so yeah, the other side maybe they should not have been deliberately making comments, but the other side is not innocent. We live in world where if someone dislikes what you say or how you look you get killed. Unfortunately, it was an abuse of power. 

Those sided with what happened can say all they want I know what I saw. I saw two videos, and if it were someone on the street who shot and killed someone because of what was described above, they would go to jail and be convicted. I do not understand. Its as if the group that conducted the shooting is holy or something.

Long time no post.

 

It has been over a month since I last wrote. Things have been crazy busy. 

I was glad to be part of my shelter's animal pics with Santa. It was a unique experience and frankly challenged me quite a bit. I am used to getting shots of animals being themselves, so trying to get them to pose is quite the challenge. I've added a few shots.

I also been busy with my cousins wedding and spent a few days with family well coming back home.

A mix of things.

 

I usually like to post on a topic-specific post, but this is going to be a post on random things. 

At the end of 2024, I was diagnosed with PCOS/ Insulin resistance. I need to make so many modifications to my diet. It's hard, but I'm doing the best I can. So much I should avoid because it does not help my condition. I started drinking Matcha tea with Green tea in it, and it's helping me stay more alert, but the thing that's helping the most is Inositol.  Since taking it, I feel I have more energy and am less sleepy.

However, lately I have been feeling discouraged. I feel like the week is going so slowly and am longing for things I do not even know if will ever bring forth fruit. It's hard when you long for things and see no signs of fruit. I know God has his own timing, and like we are told, it's always perfect, but it's hard to wait. I know I think of 1 Thessalonians 5:1, that we are to give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for you. But it is challenging.

I have been trying to rely on God, go to him with my longings, with what's on my mind and heart, but it's not easy. My struggle in life is that I find it hard to have relationships in my life. And if I can't have a relationship with people, I can see how I can with God; I can't see. I do try to have a relationship with those I know, but sometimes I wonder if that's even a relationship?  I often hear that if you get your relationship with God right, the rest will fall into place. So I go back and forth with which I should focus on. Yes, as a believer, God should be the choice, but it's hard.

Connecting and Life update

 

My church started a series of different presentations on end-time prophecy. It ran from Oct 18 -Nov 1st. I got used to going to church multiple times a week, seeing people, having a drink (non-alcoholic), and there were light refreshments after. A total of 10 presentations.

Well now that its over there is this void. I wanna see people again. While I am an introvert and this will always be me. I still need to be with people. When I am home, I am isolated and only with limited people and my pup. I love her dearly though. 

What I am going to post is not about desperation; I am not desperate. I am just longing so much for that connection. Because its fueling my good feelings until it can all happen again.

Well, after the series ended, the last night was all about heaven, which stirred in me how I wish for heaven. We will always be together, not divided. We will see people daily and it be on good terms.

Photography!

 

Those that know me know that photography is one of my passions. I am a very creative person. I love all kinds of creativity, especially writing, design, and photography. But even interior design I also really like. I am just a creative person by nature, and I love to use colours. I see some designers who keep it neutral and don't use many colours, but I like to use vibrant colours.

Well I on one of my email accounts have my signature for photography. I volunteer at an animal shelter; see a previous blog post for more about my shelter work. However, I responded to the volunteer coordinator and he saw I do photography. I was asked if I could help out to take pictures of pets with Santa. So in November, I will be doing 4 sessions (4 days).

I am excited about that because for so long I wanted to help with photography and am finally getting the chance to do it. I tried reaching out to them numerous times and never had any feedback so I stopped trying to knock on the door. But I am excited to do this.

I also when I went with 4 ladies from the church to a restaurant I like to celebrate my birthday. One of them decided to carpool with us so I showed her my portfolio and she said I was really good. She asked for my links and I sent to her. She sent it to a couple of people, and one of the main people at my church, and when we went there last week for an event, she asked if I would take the photos. I agreed I would.

Your True Identity

 

I just finished Identity 2.0 this past week, and it's something I still need to work on. I have taken the class 2 times now. I will take it again to peel more layers of lies that I have been believing.

My true identity has been hard for me to accept because of the lies I believed for so long. However, I am committed to do what it takes to let my true identity.

Our identity isn't all the labels we pick up on this earth. You may be a mom but that is not your true identity. I know it's hard to separate. I struggle with this too but we need to look at God's word for our true Identity.

I want to soak up as much as I can, such as books, courses, and podcasts, to help shift and realize my true Identity. 

I usually tie in the Identity course and the RLA 2 course in a blog, but today I'm doing it separately. So, for the last class, here are my two takeaways that stood out.

• What God thinks of you should be what you think of yourself
This one is the truth, but it's hard because I think the voice of lies is much louder. It's hard because of our sinful nature; it is hard to just dismiss it, but I know that this is what God is asking of me. To claim and speak truth into my life and believe in what God says about me. When you think of it. If God created you, why wouldn't you want to consider what he says? I know because of sin, this can be tricky, though.

Birthday Reflections

I tend to use birthdays for reflection. Kinda like New Year's, I do it twice, on my birthday and during New Year's. I like to reflect on the year. 

This year we had an unexpected move. It was kinda a whim, but thinking about our prayer call this morning (oct 13), we were reminded that we don't get what we want, we get what we need.

This year, the move was super hard. I liked my surroundings, so many birds, squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, coyotes, possums, etc. I had an abundance of wildlife. Since moving, I have not felt as good. I don't see as much wildlife here, and it makes me sad. 

I do feel, though, that the move was necessary, but it has still been a bit hard to pull myself out of the hole. But what I am getting at with all this is we don't get what we want, we get what we need. With the move we were able to pay off debts, buy our current house, plus buy a new car. Its not brand spanking new but pretty close. I see this as a need, not a want.

With God, he doesn't always give us what we want, but what we need. And right now in this part of life this is what we need. I don't know what will happen in this chapter. I don't know what God has in store for us but this is where we are in life. Looking back, I reflect on the move a lot because it's what made up 2025 the most.

I was also diagnosed with PCOS at the end of 2024, and for those that don't know, it's very common in women, and I am seeing more and more women who have it. So what is it? It is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and there is different kinds. I have insulin resistance, which makes it hard to lose weight, and I have gained so much weight. I am trying to be mindful of what I eat and how much, but still I struggle to lose even a pound. I have faith God knows what's going on, and he will help me treat it. I need to listen to him and use him as my compass.

I feel natural would work better for me as I feel the difference with the supplements I take, but I've been on medication, and it's doing nothing for me. I still have so many symptoms and am trying natural options to help it. Will see how that will go. I have this for life now. But if I could manage it and get to a better or functional method, that's my goal.

This year has thrown me so many curveballs. I am really hoping this coming year will be a better year for me. Even years tend to be better than odd years. So here is hoping.

This past year of 43 I did have growth but not as much as I had in the previous year. Still, I have my eyes on growing and deepening my understanding of who God is. In my heart and soul, I want to experience him. It's not just about knowing a bunch of facts. I want to have experiences with him that shift and propel my life.

RLA & Identity week 5

 

RLA Week 5.
This week the topic was resilience, and boy, it's something I am learning that I want to be, but something I have found out is that be careful what you ask for. Cause with God, if you ask to be more resilient, he is going to give more hardships for you to overcome and develop that skill. 

Which one of the points was said and shared during class? 
• Resilience is essential, and we need to develop

This was not a main takeaway, but it was imperative to share. I think resilience is something that every human needs to learn and develop because we all face many kinds of trials. If you are human, you need to learn this, and even animals learn to be resilient. I have observed and witnessed countless dogs and cats that learned to be resilient despite all odds.

The other point that stuck with me was this one.

• Being resilient when hard things happen, you can adapt and use that as a stepping stone to something greater.

Again animals have shown me true resilience, but humans too. You could play victim or you could use what happened to launch you to something greater. I don't know about you but I  want to be someone that uses it a stepping stone to something greater. Even if the obstacle is challenging. I know I need it to develop and grow resiliency.  

 
Identity Week 5
I only have one more week of Identity, and then I will be done with the course. I can't believe how fast this has passed. The end will be next week, and then I will be done with Identity 2.0. However, I still feel there are so many layers I need to address and reveal. There are so many lies I know I believed in and will take time to dismantle. 

This round, besides doing the questions we need to do with our accountability partner, I have just been focusing on affirmations. I know I can do them on my own too but doing them with a live class gives me a sense of accountability. I've been declaring who I am and the enemy is not liking that.

This week, the main takeaway that I had was 
• The only way to stand in your true identity is to begin

We keep wondering oh maybe in a week I can stand in my Identity, at the end of the course, etc. But the only way we can really stand in our true identity is to start. Start claiming and declaring what God says about you. Step into your identity, begin. This really was a reminder to stop procrastinating and to just start.

The other takeaway that kinda sank in more but in a way was more of a reminder was
• You were created for impact. You were created to bring heaven to earth. (kingdom principles)

This one was more of a reminder. God says for us to bring heaven to earth. Or as the prayer says on earth like heaven. So we are to bring heaven to earth.

Activate- Anointed 2025

 

I just finished my company's conference. I was so sad that I wouldn't be able to make it this year, but I was able to because it was all digital. After moving, and for particular reasons, I would not be able to fly to where it was being held. But because it was digital, I didn't have to miss it.

I love my company and the people in it. I sometimes grow in isolation, and this may be why I am not growing leaps and bounds as other people have. Side note and totally unrelated to the theme of this post. I have a tough time making friends and also relationships in general. I have always been someone who needs to observe someone before I can befriend them. So it takes me much longer than the average person.

This year, the conference is always called Activate, but the theme changes. The year I joined Kingdom Alliance, the conference was revival, last year it was dominion, and this year it was anointed. For the first time done digitally a certain way it was a great job. I wanted more but I will go back and listen to the recordings to absorb more.

I really want God to move and work through me and I know a big part is about sharing about this fantastic company. Because of KA, I am a published author, I am back to reviving my blog and using my voice more. Which leads me to what I heard numerous times during the conference and I feel God was speaking to me about what kept repeating was its time to use my voice.

I have always preferred the written form of communication. I still like to get things in written so I can reflect back. I have a hard time retaining things when its just by hearing. I remember more when it's written down, or if I have it written somewhere, I can always go back to read it. This is me, how I learn and retain things.

I feel like God is really nudging me, maybe even poking a little to stop staying silent. While written is my fave form of communication, he wants to use my vocal voice more, too. So to stop hiding in the shadows and get out there. There is also a nudge to stop procrastinating and get started on a project that has been on my mind and that I've been wanting to do since last year. So it's been over a year and I still have not gotten started. It's time to start.

Conditions will never be perfect. I don't need to be perfect to start, but I do need to start to get to perfect (although perfection will never be on this planet). So two things I got from the conference that were not necessarily what they presented, but one, it's time to use my voice, and two, it's time to start on my project.

Classes Week 3

 

RLA 2 week 3
These classes I am taking work well together. It's so holy spirit-led. This week it was on seasons and sanctification.  Sanctification is used to describe the process of being set apart and allowing God to help us become the vessel that can be used by the holy spirit.

Sanctification is not a pleasant process, but it is absolutely necessary for us to reach the next level of how God wants to speak through or use us. You know, I used to hate not being able to fit in, not feel I mesh anywhere, but it's no longer because I don't mesh, but it's because I am set apart.

God purposely had me set apart from this world. I admit it gets lonely. I wish I had people to walk alongside me in this journey of life, but I know that God has a purpose for everything. 

Since I gave the definition of Sanctification. I will provide you with two additional takeaways that stood out to me, in addition to the meaning of sanctification. 

The following refers to sanctification, and it really stands out to me. 
• This is always about your willingness to submit to the will of God to leave the things behind that have held you captive

This other takeaway really makes me think. We often don't like the pruning of the sanctification process, but when I heard this, it was light right. It may have been a barrier all along.
• Most of the stuff that is pruned are barriers that stand in the way between us and him.

While this was not part of the course, it reminds me also of a quote or thought I saw. That God does nto remove without the thought of replacing. Sometimes we get all bent about something that was removed but the above statement could describe why that pruning took place. God wants us, and he wants a relationship with us. However, if it's a barrier, then he sometimes prunes it away. Pruning is God's way of moulding us and growing us. If those things were to stay, we would never reach.

Identity week 3
This week I learned that we make an average of 3500 decisions a day. That was one of my takeaways, and a trail off that which was a takeaway as well is how many of those decisions do we include God in. 

Yes, it's so easy to go on autopilot, wear these shoes, have this for breakfast, go this way to where you are going, but what if God wants to be involved even in a simple task, such as what you will eat for breakfast? God doesn't want to be asked occasionally; He wants to help guide us all the time. 

The other thought that stood out to me from this class was
• God speaks to us in ways that make sense to us. He won't speak to us in a way that talks to someone else.

We need to be open and more trusting of God. For example, for some people God talks to them in the shower, for others he talks to other people, etc. We need to have faith and rest assured that God will talk to us in ways we will understand. This stood out because people often tell me that God speaks through others, but what others have said to me has discouraged me. Not answered my questions, etc. It also has made me doubt that God was even for me.

God knows us so well, he created us, he knows how to communicate with us in ways we will understand. Never doubt God knows how to reach us. We just need to be open to it.

I love growing, I love learning, and yes, something can be frustrating because I do not understand, but 99% of the time growing is my fave thing to do.

God is so good, and I look forward to seeing what will happen in a year. All God, his timing, his way. I just need to take the steps that he guides me too. 

Identity 2.0 homework

 

I am sharing here because I think out of Identity 2.0 course I am taking right now this is my fave exersize. 

We are to find 3 top lies, flip the script, and find supporting truths of the opposite from the Bible.

I share here because this is part of me being or showing for accountability in my growth journey. (even though some weeks anxiety/depression win) 

My current lies I am invisible, I am not important, I am not valuable, God loves others but not me. 

Lie 1- I am invisible- God's truth Genesis 16:13 NIV You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'" 

Lie 2- I am not important - God's truth Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV) "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." 

God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. He was intentional, personal, and careful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made — that means you matter 

Lie 3- I am not valuable- God's truth Luke 15:4-7 (The Parable of the Lost Sheep)"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?" 

God values every individual—so much that He leaves the 99 to seek just one. You are that one when you feel lost or forgotten.

 Lie 4- God loves others but not me- God's truth- Galatians 2:20 (NIV)"The Son of God… loved me and gave himself for me." 

Paul makes it personal: "He loved me." You can insert your name here. Jesus didn’t die for an idea—He died for individual people, including you. 

Affirmations 

 • I am not invisible, God sees me and knows me 

• I am important to my creator he knit me together in my mother's womb 

• I am valuable to God and when I was lost he came after me. 

• God loves me, he died for me and my sins

Love is but for some.

 

You know this is something that I wanted since I was 5 years old. I wanted to be married, I wanted a husband, but life has been showing me otherwise.

Can I be straight with you? Marriage can be an idol, a husband can become an idol, and love can become an idol. And this is what it was for me. 

God has been showing me things lately, and I think this is why, at age 44, I haven't even been on a date with a man. I have never even spent more time with a man besides my dad.

I think its because I gave it priority, and put it above God. I see this now, with all the work I do on myself to grow and expand, and peel back layers. 

It's really hard seeing everyone you know finding love, and you can't even get a man. But, as I said, since I was young, I've been looking and looking for love, and giving it priority, and it never flourished in my life.

Honestly, even writing this out is incredibly hard to admit, but I must if I want to heal. 

Church and people don't make it any easier; they add to the pressure of finding someone. Asking questions like Are you married yet, etc. Church influence and societal values prioritize marriage above all. Even car insurance is cheaper if you're married vs single.

Even now, people view single women as less than women. A woman is to get a husband, and then she is worth something. 

I also do not believe in the lie that we need someone to complete us. Even within the Christian faith, I see posts people post about someone being their other half. And that they would be incomplete without them. I truly believe this is a social pressure and feel its also a lie that has been fed to us for far too long.

Do we need to be completed, yes, but by Christ. A man or a woman does not complete us. A partner should enhance our life, not look to make it complete. And it hurts me to hear people say that about their children. Children are a blessing but they don't complete you.

Yes, I do not see the typical faith-based person's perspective. Does God honour marriage? Yes, but it's not like there is a person out there for everyone. This is something Disney and romance movies teach us at a very young age. Some of us never find someone. Plenty of people who are single, especially religious figures.

I got tired of the broken record hearing people say. Oh you'll find someone. Trying to stay optimistic, but 10 years down the road, and have not even had a conversation. 

A husband/wife is a gift some selected people get to have for others this is not part of their experience. It's romantic to think there is someone out there for everyone, but it's not the actual reality.